Feathered Fiends and Federal Mailmen: Wisconsins Turkey Takeover
Honestly, are we really at this point? Are wild turkeys now a legitimate public safety hazard? Apparently, yes. Because my neighbors in Wisconsin – my neighbors! – are currently being stalked by a gang of glorified chickens with attitude problems. And the postal workers? Don’t even get me started on the postal workers. Theyre apparently prime targets for these prehistoric bullies.
It began subtly, you know. A few birds pecking around, looking vaguely… territorial. Now, it’s full-blown avian aggression. Reports are flooding in of turkeys charging vehicles, dive-bombing pedestrians, and actively chasing people trying to deliver our mail. Mail! The backbone of civilization! Is this how were going to fall? Overcome by a feathered horde demanding… what exactly? More corn? A parade in their honor?
The local news is reporting on it with that breathless “aww, look at the cute turkeys!” tone. Cute?! These aren’t adorable little chicks; they’re muscle-bound, territorial beasts with an apparent vendetta against anyone wearing a uniform! I swear, if one of these things so much as looks at my prize-winning petunias, there will be consequences.
Someone needs to do something before were all living in a turkey-dominated dystopia. Seriously, somebody call animal control. Or a falconer. Or maybe just a really big cat. Anything!
