Really? A Geriatric Manatee is Headline News?
Seriously? This is what we’re celebrating now? The oldest manatee? As if humanity isnt drowning in genuine crises – climate change, political upheaval, the continued existence of Crocs – were patting ourselves on the back for discovering a sea cow that managed to shuffle through 71 years. Congratulations, barnacle-covered champion! You’ve outlived most people I know.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, longevity is impressive in any creature. But a manatee? These are animals known primarily for floating placidly and munching on seagrass. Groundbreaking stuff. Were dedicating resources to verifying the age of an animal that probably spends most of its time contemplating algae.
And the press release! “Resident confirmed… certified… oldest ever!” It reads like a Nobel Prize announcement, except instead of curing cancer, we’ve determined something vaguely interesting about a gentle giant. I picture Guinness World Records employees meticulously examining rings on its whiskers, whispering dramatically about each incremental year.
Im just saying, could this energy not be directed toward, I dont know, something slightly more vital? But no, lets obsess over the extended lifespan of a marine mammal. Because apparently, that’s what keeps us entertained these days. Bravo, world. Bravo.
